We often think of mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and leadership as being three distinct topics or practices. At their core they can each be described as the process of transforming difficulty into possibility. Whether at work, at home, or in being human, we often face similar challenges:
– a shortage of resources
– not enough time
– too much uncertainty
– conflicts at work or home
– difficult emotions, like stress, anxiety, imposter syndrome
– physical pain
Mindfulness practice can be viewed as the practice of not avoiding difficulty, and transforming all difficulties into less attachment to ego and living more in reality.
Emotional intelligence is based on the practice of cultivating self-awareness and developing strategies for transforming difficult emotions.
Leadership is staying with the gaps between visions and goals and our current situation. This requires not avoiding discomfort and transforming this discomfort to greater inspiration and effectiveness.
In a 2005 study, psychologists Kevin Ochsner and James Gross explored three primary strategies for working skillfully with difficult emotions:
SHIFTING ATTENTION *** REFRAMING *** RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
The first strategy, shifting our attention, is relatively easy to do, but it has the least amount of sustainability and learning. The second, reframing our experience, is somewhat more challenging and more sustainable than shifting our attention, and it’s less challenging and sustainable than acceptance. The third strategy, acceptance, is the “emotional Jedi” strategy. It’s the most difficult and the most sustainable, and it leverages emotional change and learning.
1. Shifting Attention
This is the practice of shifting our attention as a way of not being thrown into reacting when we feel hurt or angry. This is a wholesome form of distraction.
Practice: When a strong feeling, such as pain or anger, arises, bring your attention to your breath. Or practice with a physical movement, such as opening and closing one of your hands.
2. Reframing the Situation
Reframing is a way of using our cognitive ability to see our situation differently. Seeing through another, perhaps comedic lens can help. When we feel hurt or angry, we can experiment with being more curious about the facts of the situation and explore other interpretations.
Practice: When a strong feeling arises, try to see yourself and the situation from another person’s perspective or from multiple perspectives. Consider what positive motivations or intentions others might have. Or find some humor in the situation.
3. Radical Acceptance
By accepting discomfort, we can transform pain into possibility. This is the “Jedi” way of working with difficult emotions.
Practice: Let yourself feel the pain and discomfort fully, and find your own sense of acceptance and openness. One image to explore is the practice of “meshing.” Imagine your body to be like a screen mesh. Let challenging emotions in, acknowledge and feel them, and let them go through your body.