by Marc Lesser<\/p>\n
You\u2019re driving when, suddenly, another car pulls in front of you. What do you do?<\/p>\n
Or you\u2019re feeling misunderstood, undervalued, disrespected, treated unfairly. How do you react?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s common and easy for us humans to respond to all of these situations by showing our anger or frustration. We seem to be wired to go directly from feeling hurt or threatened to indignation. Sometimes, all it takes is a few words or even just a glance and we get that feeling of an \u201couch\u201d which leads us to quickly and directly resort to blame and waspishness. Sometimes, we may even get furious. It all tends to happen so fast and automatically that we often don\u2019t notice how rapidly our feelings turn into stories, or our stories turn into feelings, and then escalate into something much bigger.<\/p>\n
It happens in families, in the workplace, on the street, and in relationships. These feelings and reactions perhaps help explain why an estimated 27 percent of Americans are estranged from members of their own family. Seen on a larger scale, this tendency to quickly resort to blame, anger, and fury is how wars begin and can go on for years, or even decades.<\/p>\n
Here is one of my favorite quotes that describes some of the underlying reasons for why and how being hurt leads to anger and blame:<\/p>\n
\u201cWe judge ourselves by our intentions: we judge others by the effects of their actions on us.\u201d The first part of this quote implies that we all have a way of judging our intentions as good and worthy. We see ourselves as good people. We know that we mean well. We don\u2019t intend<\/em> to harm, create conflicts, or cause others\u2019 pain.<\/p>\n However, when it comes to how we view others, especially when we feel hurt or let down by someone, we don\u2019t automatically assume that they have our best interests in mind. We don\u2019t tend to consider that their intentions are good or positive. Instead, we assume the worst. We create a story or narrative about their less-than-positive intentions. That is, we judge others by the effects of their actions on us<\/em>.<\/p>\n So, how can we overcome this?<\/p>\n The answer lies in being curious instead of furious.<\/p>\n
Jack Himmelstein, Center for Understanding in Conflict<\/em><\/p>\n