A letter I sent to friends before New Years 2019:
28 December 2018
The Holy City of Jerusalem
Dear Friends,
Another year ends, another one begins …
Becoming Nobody
The pursuit of happiness – many say that’s what life is about. Even the Founding Fathers of the US of A put it up there with life and liberty as an inalienable right of every human being.
So here’s a question for you: What makes you happy? For me, some of the things that come to mind are:
– eating ice cream,
– watching auditions for The Voice and Britain’s Got Talent,
– reading The New Yorker,
– listening to podcasts, like Modern Love, without shame,
– skiing,
– talking about life with friends, with a cocktail while watching the Mediterranean sun set,
– good sex [c’mon, we’re all adults here],
– surfing through Facebook posts of acquaintances and affirming to myself how great my life is [that’s my ego talking, not me ☺ ],
– being able to cut through long lines at airports because of my diplomatic status,
– when I’ve done good work, preferably as confirmed by the high praises showered on me by my superiors [again, my horrible ego],
– thinking about how I have an apartment a block and a half away from Central Park in Manhattan [my ego is despicable].
There are two types of pleasure that we humans seek: pleasure of the senses and pleasure of the ego. But no one among us could deny that all these pleasures are, by their nature, fleeting. They don’t last. The best we could do is merely to try to repeat them as often as we can. We live in a world where the rule of the game is to run and run on this hedonic treadmill until we fall dead.
So some people, since at least 2600 years ago, have asked: can we feel joy independent of sensual or ego pleasure? Is there a form of happiness that is not dependent upon always having one’s favorite ice cream or having one’s loved ones nearby or having something to look forward to on the weekend?
Is it possible to be happy before anything happens?
Some people who are serious about trying to answer this question end up experimenting with their lives. I seem to have become one of these people.
And what exactly do I plan to do, you ask. It is to confirm this theory: if there is a form of happiness to be found that is not dependent upon merely repeating one’s pleasures then it should be available in a circumstance where all apparent sources of pleasure (both sensual and egoic) have been removed.
It should be available to someone who has gone to the wilderness alone, to someone who has renounced all of his material possessions, to somebody who has become nobody.
Monastics and contemplatives for millennia claim that the answer to this question is a resounding: Hell yeah, such happiness exists.
These human beings, no more special than you and me, assert that extraordinary depths of psychological well-being could be had in circumstances very much like solitary confinement. Solitary confinement! The worst punishment one could get while in prison – people would rather be in the company of the most hated murderers and rapists than be alone in a cell.*
For some years now, I have been diving deeper and deeper into mind training through my meditation practice. I have seen glimpses of this freedom that monastics and contemplatives for hundreds and hundreds of years claim they have found. I want to be able to access that freedom in a more sustained way, to make it seep into my bones. And the best way I feel, at this stage of my life, to do that is … to become one of them.
I will become a monastic.†
Some of you are probably thinking: This guy is crazy. Or maybe: Poor, unhappy Joel. Perhaps both thoughts are true, I don’t know. What I know in my heart is that this feels like a privilege — to even be able to consider doing this experiment with the second half of my life. I look forward to this experience with excitement and a sense of possibility, not resignation or despair. I do not feel that I am turning away from life; quite the opposite, I feel that what I will be embarking on will allow me to live the remaining years of my life more fully. That probably does not make much sense to you now, but when we get to sit down together (hopefully soon) I can explain what I mean.
Practitioners assert that in the process of becoming nobody, the truth of the interconnectedness of all life will become, more and more, evident. And with it the imperative to lead a life of compassion and service, one dedicated to something bigger than oneself. Just like a Jedi knight. ☺
[Oh, by the way, if, in some remote possibility, someone asks you about me, please tell them that I am training to become one, a Jedi knight – it just sounds way cooler.]
May you all be well. May you all be happy. May you all be safe. May you all continue to live lives of ease and joy.
Much love,
Joel
* Adapted from a talk given by Sam Harris, and other parts of this message too.
† In the zen tradition.