Today is officially, well not exactly (because I join a monastery only in January 2020), the start of the monkhood experiment. I probably should find a different way to refer to it. Something that’s catchy. [I hear my mind say, there you again, Joel, motivated by getting approval from others]. Ok, fine. This is just about me. But what if I want to write a book about it someday?!
I am traveling to India today, to visit and do silent vipassana retreats in the different Buddha places — Dharamsala, Kushinagar, Varanasi and Bodhgaya. It was perhaps appropriate that this journey starts after Dia de Todos los Santos in the Philippines. The old Joel has died and a new one starts today. As with most everything else, the change is almost imperceptible.
My mind’s main concern seems to be creature comforts. How unoriginal and shallow! [The judging mind strikes again!]. Right now, I still have the luxury of using airport lounges, in one of which I am writing this. At some point, this has to be let go.
Only a handful (less even) of friends in Manila understand what it is I am doing. Although many of them have been so gracious in their well wishes. I have not been good at articulating my motivation, intention and plan. And I have to be comfortable with that. Let go of the ego. No need to be perfect in everything.
My mind still have doubts of course. Is this a crazy idea? But the only way to know is to go through it. The only way out is through.
Underneath the geographic disorientation, one can imagine, lies a primal fear of losing control.
What’s even worse is that the mind is creating this feeling of loneliness. I am proud to say that I see it. I see you, Mara. It is you again, my friend. Come sit and have tea with me, for as long as you like. Welcome to the party!
I deactivated my Facebook account. That’s a start. If I am to become nobody, then social media is a good place to start. There will be other, perhaps harder, things to let go of.
It was a good few days in Manila as I saw most of the friends and family I wanted to see and say goodbye to. The sense is everything’s gonna be alright. I thought it would be more dramatic. As I make everything to be. [there it goes again, the judging mind]
Oh, maybe the title of the experiment will be the “Becoming Nobody” experiment.
https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/08/04/field-guide-to-getting-lost-rebecca-solnit/