27 December 2019

Bodhgaya, Bihar, India

Dear Family and Friends,

A Path with Heart

I turned 50 this year.  I remember looking at my parents when I was little (they both died at the age of 46) and thinking, “These grown-ups are old.”  While I still get surprised, almost envious, looks when I disclose my age (I remember one guy “woot woot”-ing and giving me a high ten when he learned my age), there is no denying that I am old.

And yet. And yet!  There is something in me that feels like that same twenty-something Joel who graduated from law school and had the audacity to go to graduate school in the United States without any clear idea how he would be able to pay back the tuition money, that same Joel who loved Dead Poets Society and its message of carpe diem, that same Joel who discovered Broadway and became a Renthead (I can still recite La Vie Boheme from memory).  Much of that Joel is still here almost three decades later.

Life has been good to me.  Sometimes I think perhaps not having children has exempted me from growing up like most of you, my friends who do.  But I cannot say I didn’t have my share of life struggles (in the closet for many years, the cancer, my parents’ and many loved ones’ passing, my brother’s struggles, the stresses of a lawyer’s life).  

I remember reading an article some years ago about being 40-something in which the author wrote that one realization she had was that there were really no grown-ups, that everyone was just winging it, some just doing it more confidently than others.  I somehow sense that conclusion to be true.  

During those years when I was so focussed on my law career, I couldn’t give a damn about what someone called the “eulogy virtues” (as opposed to “resume virtues”) — things like integrity, kindness, humility.  In fact, there was a time when I was prepared to compromise my integrity in order to advance my career.  I know I am fortunate that I never had to — I would not know how to live with myself had I did.  So many times, I was unkind while at the law firm in New York, and even later on at the United Nations — shouting matches with opposing counsel, nasty emails with clients (those ruthless Lehman bankers!), horrible behavior towards other (usually younger) lawyers and paralegals.  There were many times I tried to stroke my ego and elevate myself in the eyes of others (don’t you know I have Ivy League degrees, I work in a top 5 New York firm, I handle billion dollar deals, etc., etc.).

But something has shifted — when and how I do not know.  Now, I am drawn towards the big questions.  Those “eulogy virtues” have become front and center in my life.

So here I am, on my way to a monastery.  I cannot say that I will be a “monk” forever.  I still feel that serving others in the real world is what makes for a well-lived life.  But this temporary “monkhood” I feel will fortify my humanity so that the service I give in the future will be whole-hearted and genuinely selfless.  

I have no idea what that service looks like.  Although on my first day in this new life (my first day of pilgrimage in India), I somehow found myself in the Mahatma Gandhi library and museum in Delhi looking for free WiFi and instead being confronted with the extraordinary life of this ex-lawyer (sounds familiar?) turned spiritual leader to billions. [He was born exactly 100 years before me.]   I draw my inspiration from his life during this time. [I don’t plan to be walking around in nothing but a loincloth though.]

Not the least, I am able to take this path (“pick a path with heart” said the fortune cookie I got at a favorite Chinese place in NYC) because I truly feel supported, by you my dear friends and family.

I remember one other thing from that article about being 40-something. The author said that by this stage in your life, you find your tribe and you no longer feel the need to be with the cool people, you just want to be with your people.  I am grateful that you are my tribe, that you are my people.  That you happen to be the cool people too, well that’s just the luck of the draw.

Thank you all for your love.  I wish you an amazing 2020.  See you all on the other side.

🙏

Joel